Tuesday Confession
Tuesday, April 12, 2005 by Mel
I am not ready to be honest.
There are days when I am constantly smacked in the face with honesty, but in a wonderfully positive way, not in the face-bruising way you may have hoped. For a few moments, hey, even until I crawl under the quilts and try to shut down for the evening, I am convinced that I love honesty and I will embrace it in all its glorious forms. I will stop lying to myself; I will stop convincing myself things are okay when they're obviously not; and I will stop believing that I can solve my own problems.
But I know why darkness is the alarm-ringing quality of evil things. It's obvious, right? Girl goes into a dark tunnel alone with no lightsource, weapon, or hunky bodyguard-type boy, I automatically want to yell at her, "Hey, are you stupid? You shouldn't go in there, it'll only be trouble, and you'll be sorry." (Of course, said girl is in movie or television show, and she can't hear me, so I feel a bit crazy for the warning.) Inevitably, the warning is justified by the appearance of some slimy creature or axe-wielding psycho or, even worse, just the sounds of her screaming followed by creepy music cues. She's toast, and there's nothing you can do about it.
So why do I keep going into the tunnel? Why do I let things overwhelm me every day-- things for which I never believed I would have a weakness? I know that I am closing in on my own destruction, but at the mouth of the tunnel, it never looks as bad as it really is.
Some people are proud to say that they have no regrets. I always wonder about that kind of statement, because I can immediatly think of 10 or 20 of my own. They're not all huge decisions, but they were all important, and I can see there are places where I was too impatient and walked into the darkness instead of waiting for the lights to come on.
Since there's no way to know who reads this, I am not going to spell things out for you. In fact, I probably won't even spell it out even if I know you personally. For now, I'll just hope it's enough to know that I have made some mistakes and regret them, and know that there may be people who can support me even while I'm being vague.
Enjoy your day.
There are days when I am constantly smacked in the face with honesty, but in a wonderfully positive way, not in the face-bruising way you may have hoped. For a few moments, hey, even until I crawl under the quilts and try to shut down for the evening, I am convinced that I love honesty and I will embrace it in all its glorious forms. I will stop lying to myself; I will stop convincing myself things are okay when they're obviously not; and I will stop believing that I can solve my own problems.
But I know why darkness is the alarm-ringing quality of evil things. It's obvious, right? Girl goes into a dark tunnel alone with no lightsource, weapon, or hunky bodyguard-type boy, I automatically want to yell at her, "Hey, are you stupid? You shouldn't go in there, it'll only be trouble, and you'll be sorry." (Of course, said girl is in movie or television show, and she can't hear me, so I feel a bit crazy for the warning.) Inevitably, the warning is justified by the appearance of some slimy creature or axe-wielding psycho or, even worse, just the sounds of her screaming followed by creepy music cues. She's toast, and there's nothing you can do about it.
So why do I keep going into the tunnel? Why do I let things overwhelm me every day-- things for which I never believed I would have a weakness? I know that I am closing in on my own destruction, but at the mouth of the tunnel, it never looks as bad as it really is.
Some people are proud to say that they have no regrets. I always wonder about that kind of statement, because I can immediatly think of 10 or 20 of my own. They're not all huge decisions, but they were all important, and I can see there are places where I was too impatient and walked into the darkness instead of waiting for the lights to come on.
Since there's no way to know who reads this, I am not going to spell things out for you. In fact, I probably won't even spell it out even if I know you personally. For now, I'll just hope it's enough to know that I have made some mistakes and regret them, and know that there may be people who can support me even while I'm being vague.
Enjoy your day.
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